website malfunction
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Testing, one…two…three…
Once again I have had major blog issues. Hopefully everything is working again. Happy New Year! (hope this works).
Tricky technology
I got the new Jawbone to help mute the screams from my son while talking on the phone. It has been great up until tonight when I didn’t properly disconnect a call I made to a friend. Lucky for her she got an encore message of me singing Erasure’s “Victim of Love” – every whaaa haaaa and ohhhh. Since the main feature to the Jawbone is to keep all other surrounding sounds out, my song was recorded a cappella. nice.
Seasons Greetings!
The best thing about the holidays is, wearing Vegas-style rhinestoned clothing, a little too much make-up, and big hair is totally acceptable. Even when going to grandmother’s house.
And
No matter how hard you try to play “hard to get” with the garlic onion cheese ball, you will still totally end up having one insanely passionate night devouring him completely and all his little wheat cracker friends too.
Have a holly jolly Christmas internet! Happy Holidays!
Shopping
Last week as I was pulling out of my driveway to go to an outdoor shopping complex, I had the overwhelming urge to go to McDonalds and buy a mega bag of McMuffins to hand out to those who could use a little breakfast. As you know our American cities are inhabited by thousands of homeless people. Some are there due to illness, unfortunate circumstance, bad choices, and what could be termed as really poor luck. The life they currently live may be less than desirable for most, but the life they live is still beautiful, rich, full of experience and without a doubt intertwined with mine. The power of the human spirit is miraculous, we are all connected, and I’m thankful for that.
As I shopped I saw an old ragged man sitting on the side of the street. He was the stereotypical street person in full glory. While approching him, I studied his aura. I did my best to not place judgment or offer him a breakfast sandwich in an arrogant and assuming manner. I wanted him to feel our equality as human beings. I stood next to him and then said “hey handsome, how about some breakfast on the house?”. He looked up, smiled and then he grabbed my hand.
He grabbed my hand.
He grabbed my hand, with both of HIS hands. I froze, and as I started to feel the tingling sensation of death that only a germaphobe can understand, I closed my eyes and swallowed the longest and deepest swallow ever swallowed in the history of womankind.
As we stood there bonded together in a hand hug he started to call me everything sweet you can imagine. It ranged from precious angel to princess. We locked eyes, and the twinkle I saw was so familiar, so special, I couldn’t move, it was love.
When he let go of my hand, he said “God bless you, God bless you”. Then like a stunned bird who just flew into a glass window, I walked as fast as I could to my car to attack my hand cleaning emergency kit. As I scrubbed the top layer of skin off my hands I started to feel overwhelming shame. I would have never approached that man if I knew he was going to grab my hand like that. I would have completely missed the amazing moment I shared with that sweet stranger because of my germ issues. Then the mental tug-of-war in my head quickly shifted thoughts to - yeah but, his hands, HIS HANDS! just think what was on his unkept hands!
As I started to remove the second layer of skin off my hands, I stopped myself and stood still while staring at my red fingers. Bottom line, there was a lesson to be learned. I then concluded the lesson I was learning that day was to trust in love, but since those germs are pretty hard to love, a pair of heavy duty yellow dish washing rubber gloves will become my new fashion statement and my gift to the world.
Happy Holidays Internet! May your days be merry and bright, follow your heart not just at this magical time but every day of the year. Peace and love.
Holiday note (to myself)
This is a quick list to help me out with next year’s holiday season, feel free to print and add to your 2009 calendars as well.
Thanksgiving is a day for the Bahamas, Marina Del Ray, or Hawaii. Or a day to fake sick so you can stay home in your pajamas, stalk college guys on YouTube, and run amuck on facebook.
Pizza on Thanksgiving is completely acceptable, in fact it is necessary.
Being invited to a formal holiday banquet with the choice of pork or fish is the same as being given the choice between mouse or rat. Such invitation givers should be erased from the rolodex.
The grocery store checker will be coughing and wiping their snot all over your items, take a taser gun.
No matter how full you are you will eat another slice of pie.
Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ will never get old, but almost all the other holiday ditty’s will bring on a seizure.
While driving around town with dollar bills in your car to give to the needy, people will harass and tell you how rotten you are for enabling their drug addictions – arm yourself with a carton of eggs for the naysayers.
Kissing Santa for the “fun photo” is not a good idea – he might go for lips and slip you tongue.
You can never have enough glitter.
Elf the movie will make you cry.
Carriage rides are fun only if you wear warm enough clothing, you don’t have to go potty, and the horse isn’t gassy.
Half done holiday lights are grounds for divorce.
No matter your mood, you will absolutely LOVE the smell of fresh pine.
Chocolate nativity scenes are to be eaten, oh yes they are. What shepherd’s head? I don’t know what you are talking about.
Zicam may give you a major bloody nose (when abused generously used) but it is totally worth it.
Cough syrup is yummy.
Black Friday isn’t what it is cracked up to be.
No matter how many times you watch Elf it will still make you cry. Damn that holiday-cheer-o-meter.
You like the Muppet’s Christmas cd with John Denver, just admit it and blare it proud.
The words – Stop, drop, and roll, should be visibly posted next to all candles.
The boy next door
As you know Claude no longer lives next door to us. Although he still owns the place next to ours and we see him just as often, he is not our current neighbor. We have a new cute neighbor. He really is special, and I love his dog. We do however, seem to have a bit of a peeping tom issue. No he isn’t the peeper, it’s ALL ME. I can’t help it. My desk, the desk I’m sitting at right now is one story up and directly across from the door he uses to let his dogs out, or let his friends in, or gather his mail, or trim his tree. Anyway, I’m not spying on him, it just happens and all directly outside my window (yeay!). Not that I’m complaining, he is a sweet little package, but you didn’t hear that from me.
The best part about my new neighbor is he isn’t shy, so he plays right into my awkward advances. I don’t hide that I’m leaning over my desk and peering out my window at him, in fact once we make eye contact I usually give him a big smile, flirty wave, or a thumbs up. If we don’t accidently make eye contact, I tap on my window with a candy cane or use my coffee mug and then quickly act as though I heard nothing while grinning down at him. I know I’m not his type, if you can believe that, and even if I were it would probably be inappropriate. Funny how a new neighbor can brighten your day. A new neighbor with blonde hair and a tan that is.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, but oh my, the view is so very delightful. Claude, you do love me.
3 points Claude.
Waving a white flag of mercy
Oh my Lord, what the crap. I have gone above and beyond my germ patrol duties to keep my family free from illness. Aside from the unfortunate stomach bug Sass had last spring my children have been as healthy as they come. Let me remind you that Sessy hasn’t been ill with even a sniffle for almost three years. Her strep throat anniversary is the second week of January, an anniversary worth celebrating, but an anniversary that will not mark a three year illness-free record.
My children are coughing.
My two youngest are *only coughing, but my oldest has quite possibly become the mother ship for bastard virus bugs. She has lost her voice, is wheezing, dry coughing, fevering, and crying. The very idea of having a bronchitis breeder in my house makes me want to end it all.
Seriously internet, I have problems, and at the risk of being sent to the nut house I’m going to use this post to talk out my current fears and issues. Remember you can’t comment, so keep it zipped, I’m really not in the mood.
a) I seriously can’t believe this is happing if I could just narrow it down to the two possible people who got my children sick I can stop treating everybody as if they are the enemy.
b) The dish soap bottle reads that it is effective in killing 99% of virus causing germs, including the ones that carry flu – I wonder if Sass would notice if I swopped the honey for dish soap in her next cup of tea?
c) Every time I hear them coughing the hairs on my neck raise and I feel as though I’m about to be slaughtered, total fear.
d) Why the bloody hell can we have a vaccine for small pox but not the common cold? Don’t tell me it’s because there are a million different strands of viruses. I say “do your job biochemists!”
e) When I say “wash your hands” I mean RIGHT NOW! Before you touch ANYTHING!
f) People who cough in public should be sent to a special center for the stupid.
g) I seriously want to strangle people.
h) Suddenly everything around me looks to be covered in germy slime. I want to hold my breath until next Friday.
i) Our damn healthy affirmations didn’t work, are you listening universe? You really messed up this time!!
j) Zicam, you are my one true love.
k) what ever doesn’t fit in the dishwasher will be going in the washing machine, on hot with bleach.
l) I’m feeling violent.
m) I said wash your hands.
n) The guy in the drive up window at the coffee stop wore his pants below his butt, he scratched his crack right before handing me my drink. I have visualized myself going back there and punching him between the eyes about 20,000 times.
o) Don’t cuddle with your pets when you are ill – they become walking snot rags that can rapidly infest all of mankind.
p) I can so relate to Howard Hughes.
q) If we all worked together and stayed home while sick, we could all live in harmony.
r) Nobody should ever share anything that goes in their mouth. I guess I can do without kissing.
s) Once I had a sore throat that lasted a month, the doctor who was treating me mysteriously disappeared.
t) If my husband starts to cough he is in big ass trouble.
u) The little voice in my head is more afraid than I am.
v) Richard, I have no idea what happened.
w) Nobody gets sick in the summer that is why I love it.
x) I just sprayed my tooth brush with lysol.
y) I bet this is my mom’s fault.
z) I am healthy, I feel good. I am healthy, I feel good. I am healthy, I feel good.
Good talk, we may as well call this a family meeting. Good meeting family. Stay well and wash your hands.
(yes, I am aware the proper way to wear the face mask is below the chin, pressed tight against the cheeks. I said no comments.)
*only coughing – is not to be taken as “only”, as in - no big deal. No, a cough is a deadly interaction between one sane person and one insane dimwitted person. I used “only coughing” to emphasize the magnitude of Sass’s unfortunate situation. I want to make sure we are clear on that.
Black Friday
Since becoming a mother I have never experienced a Thanksgiving week without working ridiculous hours. I have for years and years decorated my clients homes for the holidays. Thanksgiving week is the prized week for such decorating, many of my projects overlapped and even took place in different cities and all at the same time. I would work around the clock puking holiday cheer everywhere I turned. My hands would be poked and cut from wire cutters and garland. I would have flocking spray all over my shirt and my hair would have enough glitter to fill a sand box. But not this year, no, not this year. I finally scaled the insanity back.
I walked around the past 3 days not knowing what to do with myself. That was about to change.
Of course this morning consisted of an early trip to the rink. Once my skater was out on the ice and I was in the company of my three favorite skate dads, their stories of Black Friday legends started to make my head spin with anticipation and possibilities. I had never been out shopping in the wee hours of Black Friday. What I knew about such festivities was that crazy people slept out for big screen televisions and Tickle Me Elmos. While others were trampled, some even to their death. It certainly sounded brutal and as I stood braless, without a lick of makeup or socks on, I turned to my favorite skate dad and said “let’s do it”. Not really, he already told me he was going to go, but that is beside the point.
We flew out of the rink on foot and dashed across the street down three flights of stairs to Best Buy. As we neared the front doors there was evidence of campfires, and egg McMuffins. I saw a few soggy rained-on sleeping bags left limp on the sidewalk. “This is going to be an all out brawl” I thought to myself. I couldn’t wait! My adrenaline was boiling over. I planned to run into the store throwing elbows and arcing my right arm up to protect my face while galloping around on my imaginary horse. Yes, there was going to be blood and perhaps some television throwing and I wasn’t above any of it. Certainly I would ride out victorious, but with what the victory was I didn’t know. So I decided I would win what ever the other shoppers were after. If it were cameras, stereos, computers, dvds, or film, I was going to take it from them and run to the register with it. Nobody was going to ruin my Black Friday.
Fluently we strutted in slow motion through the sliding doors. I paused and posed like a gladiator as a light breeze flittered through my hair. Scanning the large showroom with devious eyes, I held my breath. The store seemed busy for the early hour, but calm, unbelievably calm. Instantly I noticed an opponent put a clock radio into their shopping cart and as I went to yank it out of her grip I noticed a whole wall full of the same dang clock. The same for the televisions, cameras, and keyboards. I couldn’t believe it. We walked around for a bit, Skate Dad bought a camera, and I stood in dismay. One word described that moment. Sweaty. There were not fights, sabotages, thieves, or bawl-babies. Nope, just a bunch of sweaty people with morning breath and turkey stained pajamas.
I never felt so disappointed and annoyed in all my life.
Quick list of things I’m thankful for
For no reason at all I decided to see how many things I am grateful for in a quick 5 minutes. Wanna join me? Start your timers, ready go!
Lancome free gift, Buttery monochromatic bed sheets and linens, Digital cameras, Bubble baths, Grocery stores, Electricity, Funny text messages, My friends, My family, Gucci Pucci, Mac & Cheese, Taco Bell, Billy Idol, Hot summer days, White tigers, Leopard prints, To be an American, iphoto, ipods, Laughter, The color pink, Shirley Maclaine (my idol), Chanel glossimers, NOT being shy, Whiskers on kittens, Spanx, Apple store, Mango, Feng Shui, Good health, Uncontrollable laughter, Electric toothbrushes, My mentors, Strong finger nails, Naturally curly hair, Soy lattes with white coco, Chocolate dipped bananas, My hairdresser, Doctors, Sour dough toast, iphone, A wonderful childhood, Dirty Dancing, Angels, Healthy strong children, My smart husband, Erasure, Def leopard, Prince, Mathew McConaughey, Fresh bright snow, Sharpie markers, Fabric softener, life long friends, Giving birth, Cavity free teeth, Perfect sized boobs, Warm glowing candles, Modern day luxuries, shooting stars, Inspirational observations, The gift of life, To be tall, Not going to law school, My spiritual growth, Red vines, Touchless public bathrooms, Cheesecake Factory, Hand moisturizer, Feather Boas, Fishnet stockings, Crystal blue water, Google, To be a woman, Hand sanitizer, Lysol, Zicam, Tropical flowers, Uniball pens, Pink bubble gum, Karaoke, Zebra print ski boots, sunglasses, Macintosh computers, The drivers license test can be retaken, Debit cards, Jamba juice, My intuition, Nike Shox, Freedom, The Soup on E, Clean drinking water, A warm safe house, Magna doodle, Yogi tea, Self tanning lotion, My blog readers.
Let your heart run free people! Happy Thanksgiving!
Don’t fall!
While I was relaxing in the privacy of my own bedroom my tranquil environment was invaded by Gucci’s furious barks and the obnoxious sound of a street sweeper. At first glance I could have sworn I saw sasquatch stomping across Claude’s roof top, but no it was in fact Claude himself. He was blowing leaves off his roof with a leaf blower.
Our two homes stand close together and although it was obvious Claude was trying really hard to not look directly into my bedroom window, he was having a hard time ignoring Gucci as she barked at him through her fangs. At one point it was too much for my favorite neighbor, he stopped for a moment and viciously glared at my sweet innocent little pup. I swear red burning lasers shot out from his eyes. He then continued to walk across his roof while shaking his head in disgust. Gucci, forever my trusty companion held her head high and with all the coolness of an ally cat mouthed these delicious words to Claude “I will crap on your lawn, you will step in it, and there is nothing you can do about it” she then sat back in a sunny spot and grinned at Claude while he continued to shake his head.
Point Gucci.