On the Pot(ty)
I may as well tell you, I’m human, and do use a potty or toilet when nature calls. I have been potty trained for more than 30 years. Since becoming a mother my visits to the little girl’s room have never been swift or carefree.
Everything falls apart when I’m on the pot. Everything.
While sitting on my porcelain throne I have heard screams, crashes, fires, jackhammers, bombs, and smoke alarms. I have signed permission slips, written grocery lists, talked to the neighbors, and screamed “who let the dog out?” more than I can count.
We have a bathroom right next to our front door. Today while I was using that bathroom my son decided to open the door to show me how well he could trot on his stick horse. As he was galloping back and forth, the front door bell rang. I harshly whispered “Don’t open the door, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!” When Gucci came yapping down the stairs, I knew this was trouble. I changed my tune to “Shut the bathroom door SHUT THE BATHROOM DOOR!” and “GO GET YOUR SISTER!” Once Sessy appeared I begged her to stop her brother from opening the front door. The door bell rang again. Gucci was ready to attack. Little Man opened the door. It was the UPS man. He had a package and Gucci wasn’t happy about it. She charged him and started biting and shaking his brown pants.
UPS man told Sessy that he needed someone to sign for the package. She told him ” My mom can”. Sessy and I locked eyes, I was hysterically waving my hands and shaking my head, she extended her arm towards me and continue with “she is right here, she is going potty, but she can still write things”. I nearly fell through he toilet seat and down the pipes. “oh just a minute, I can sign that in just a minute, Sessy please come here.” I was going to ask her to get the dog, and shut the bathroom door. She came over to me. She had the UPS signature contraption. I stared at it, and then decided to just sign the darn thing. Sessy handed it back to the UPS guy, he yelled out to confirm my last name. We exchanged courtesies and then he was off on his merry way.
I signed for a package while sitting on the pot. A friend of mine calls the UPS truck the big brown turd, today that seems very appropriate.
Comments are closed.